


Buford's Split Personality

by shopgirl152



Series: Of Bullies and Nerds [5]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Friendship, Humor, M/M, Romance, Split Personality episode., split personality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-18
Updated: 2013-07-28
Packaged: 2017-12-08 19:56:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/765366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shopgirl152/pseuds/shopgirl152
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a mishap at O.W.C.A headquarters causes the molecular splitter to reappear, Buford and Baljeet mistake it for a camera. What follows is Buford being split into two personalites: one that wants to pummel Baljeet and one that wants to woo him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Occurs a few hours after the events in the Split Personality episode.

"I wanna sing!"

"Ugh." Major Monogram held his hands over his ears. "Carl, can't we get rid of him? He's driving me crazy!"

"Really sir? I think he's kind of entertaining."

"Carl!"

"Okay, fine. I'll go see if I can work Phineas and Ferb's molecular splitter."

"I wanna sing sing sing!"

"And hurry Carl!"

Carl rolled his eyes at his boss's neuroticism. He'd gotten used to it over the course of the summer, but…well; there were really no words to explain it. He popped open the hatch that led to the main room, walking over to the splitter. "Now, let's see." He pulled down on the handle, causing a ray to come out of the machine, hitting the singing Monogram and dividing him into four Monograms. "Oops."

"We wanna sing!" The four Monograms started singing in a barbershop quartet form.

Carl held his stomach, trying to keep from laughing.

"Great googly moogly Carl! What is this?"

"I'm sorry sir, but…but…" he collapsed onto the floor laughing.

"Carl, I told you—"

Perry dropped down into the lair, landing on top of the splitter and pulling the other handle down. Immediately, the four Monograms went away, leaving behind only one.

"Thank goodness. That was getting out of hand." Major Monogram wiped his brow in relief. "Now Agent P, before I tell you what Doofenshmirtz is up to, I want you to get rid of that molecular….whatever the heck it is."

"Molecular splitter sir," Carl chimed in.

"I know that Carl. Anyway Agent P, take the splitter and get rid of it. Now."

Perry saluted, dragging the molecular splitter up the shoot.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Perry emerged a few seconds later in the Flynn-Fletcher yard. He set the molecular splitter upright, sitting under it for a few seconds as he fanned himself with his hat.

"I cannot believe that! We are dating and you had to run me up the flagpole!" Baljeet walked into the yard, followed by Buford.

"Hey, I kissed you didn't I?"

"Well it was not a very good one!"

"Well I—hey, what's this?" Perry dove behind a nearby bush, peeking out as Buford examined the splitter. "It looks like a camera."

"A camera? That is not a camera." Baljeet studied the thing in front of him. "It has no screen in the back."

"It's one of those old fashioned ones."

"Well, how does it work?"

"Um…" Buford played with a few switches.

"Wait! Stop!" Baljeet pushed Buford aside. "You do not know how to work a camera! Now, stand over there and I will take your picture."

"How about both of us stand here?"

"Well…" A small smile appeared on Baljeet's face, only to be replaced by a frown. "No, I am still mad at you. Therefore, you stand over there and I will take your picture."

"Fine. Make sure to get my good side."

"You have a good side?" Buford glared at him. "Heh. Nevermind."

"Just take the picture Jeet."

"Fine." Baljeet fiddled with the controls on the camera, finally pulling down a lever. A red beam shot out, zinging Buford, causing him to split in two. Baljeet stared, wide-eyed. "Oh dear. This is not good."

"You darn right it's not." One of the Buford's walked to him, menacingly pounding a fist into his hand. "I'm going to pummel you until you can't feel your legs."

"Now wait a minute Buford, we—"

The other Buford stood up, wearing a Shakespeare costume and staring at Baljeet. "Fear not my love! I will save you!"

"Wha—" Baljeet backed up until he was up against the fence. "Buford, wait! Don't hurt…me?" He stared as Shakespeare Buford ran in front of him, holding back the advancing Bully Buford.

"You will not harm him ruffian! For I am Buford the kind, and he—" He pointed to Baljeet. "He is my one true love."

"What are you talking about? We have only been dating for six weeks!"

"But it feels like so much longer." Shakespeare Buford got down on one knee, staring imploringly at him while Bully Buford continued to advance.

"Ahhhhh!" Baljeet threw his hands in the air, running out of the yard.

"Wait my love!" Shakespeare Buford ran after him, followed by Bully Buford.

"I'm gonna pummel both of you!"

Slightly disturbed by this chain of events, Perry slowly crept out from behind the bush. He looked down as his watch blinked. "Agent P, did you take care of the molecular splitter yet?" Carl asked.

Perry held up the watch, showing the molecular splitter to Carl. "Oh. Well, I guess if it stays there and doesn't come down our way again, it's fine. Come back down Agent P, we need to tell you what Doofenshmirtz is up to today."

Perry turned, looking at the splitter before shrugging and jumping down the hole. It was just Buford and Baljeet; how much harm could it do?


	2. Chapter 2

Baljeet dug his phone out of the pocket of his overalls, frantically dialing a number. "Phineas! Help me!"

"Hey Baljeet. What's wrong?"

"I am being chased by Buford!"

There was silence on the other end of the line. "Okaaayy…that's not exactly out of the ordinary—"

"No! You do not understand! There are two of them!"

"Two of them?"

"Yes! Must you repeat everything I am saying?"

"I'm sorry Baljeet. I'm just not sure why—what's that Ferb? No, the molecular splitter disappeared. We saw it remember?" More silence. "Still…I guess since it uses some type of radiation, I suppose there could have been some residue left in our yard after it disappeared. Okay Baljeet, how are the two Bufords acting?"

"Well, one is trying to kill me and the other is…" he trailed off, looking down at Shakespeare Buford who had somehow caught up with him.

Shakespeare Buford got down on one knee, grabbing Baljeet's arm and kissing up its length. "What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and you are the sun."

Baljeet felt himself blush. "Oh my…"

"Baljeet? You still there?" Phineas asked.

His eyes widened. "Yes! I am still here."

"Great! Now—"

"I will protect you from that ruffian who is trying to hurt you. I will—"

"Hey loser! Come here! You've missed your three o'clock wedgie!"

"Help me!"

"Baljeet, calm down, we'll be there in a minute."

"I do not have a minute!"

"Okay…just….try to distract the Bufords from whatever they're doing and we'll be back in ten minutes. Bring them back into our yard and we'll put Buford back together."

"Thank you Phineas."

"No problem. See ya later Baljeet." Baljeet hung up the phone, his face white as a thought hit him. "Oh no! Phineas and Ferb do not realize we are dating!"

"We're dating?" asked Shakespeare Buford. "Oh what wonderful news!"

"It is not news you Shakespeare quoting nit-wit! It is bad! It is—"

Suddenly, Bully Buford was upon him, pounding a fist into his hand. "You're dead loser!"

"Ahhh!" Baljeet grabbed Shakespeare Buford's hand. "We are getting out of here!"

"Oh, I'll go anywhere with you my love!"

"Ahhh!"

\----------------------------------------------

"Okay Ferb, if we're looking for the molecular splitter, it should be…oh." Phineas stood in front of the splitter. "Huh. That's odd. I could've sworn it disappeared." He turned to Ferb. "You saw it disappear earlier right?"

Ferb nodded.

"Well, okay then. Looks like whatever force made it disappear saw fit to bring it back to us."

"What goes around comes around."

Phineas raised an eyebrow, smirking. "Riight. Now, let's make sure this thing's still running then call Baljeet. He sounded like he was really freaked out."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Completely forgot I hadn't finished posting the entire story here yet. Whoops! One more chapter after this.

Baljeet ducked around a corner, waiting until Bully Buford ran past before leaning against the fence and sliding to the ground. "Phew." He peeked around the corner. "I think we have lost him."

"This is thrilling my love. We are but two hearts, running away from danger!" Shakespeare Buford latched onto his arm. "Isn't it romantic?"

Baljeet sighed, allowing Shakespeare Buford to pull him close. "Why can you not be this nice to me all the time?"

"Simple my love." Shakespeare Buford kissed him on the cheek. "It is the beast within me."

"The beast within you?"

"Yes my love. It is the beast of the bully within me. It is this beast, with the urge to pummel you to the ground, which overwhelms my love and affection for you." He gently kissed Baljeet's cheek, then his eyes, then the side of his mouth. "Such is the curse of being a bully."

"Yes." Baljeet sighed, allowing himself to snuggle closer into Shakespeare Buford's warmth. "Can you not reconcile the two sides?"

"I have tried my love, but the bully within is much too strong. But thanks to that wonderful machine, I can now show my full affection for you." He rubbed Baljeet's back.

"Well, this is a nice change…but…"

"But what my love?"

"You must be put back together at some point. You and Bully Buford are the same person. It would be wrong to have you split forever."

"Oh, I suppose so. But it's so much fun getting to show this side of me."

Baljeet smiled as he stood up, offering Shakespeare Buford his hand. "Come on. Let us go and change you back."

"If you insist my love." Shakespeare Buford let himself be pulled to his feet. "But, what about my bully side? You know he doesn't come easily."

"That will not be a problem. Leave it to me."

\---------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh be careful my love. If I hurt you, I will never forgive myself."

Baljeet smiled as Shakespeare Buford latched onto his arm. "Do not worry. I know what I am doing. Now stay here." He reluctantly let go of Shakespeare Buford's hand, walking down the street until he was in sight of Bully Buford.

"Hey Buford! I am ready for my three o'clock wedgie!"

Bully Buford whirled around, his eyes flashing. "Well good. It's about time. Here I thought my calendar was full. Now, come here and take your wedgie like the nerd you are."

"A ha! You'll have to catch me first!" He turned around, grabbing Shakespeare Buford's hand and running down the street.

"Came back here nerd! You can't run from Buford! Buford will catch you! You nerd! Come back here!"

"Where are we going my love?"

"We are going to find Phineas and Ferb! Now keep up!"


	4. Chapter 4

"Okay Ferb, it looks like the molecular splitter is already to go. Now, to call Baljee—"

"Phineas! Ferb! Turn the splitter on!"

"Huh?"

"There is no time to explain! Bully Buford is right behind me!" Baljeet barged through the gate, pushing Shakespeare Buford in front of the molecular splitter.

"Good bye my love." Shakespeare Buford waved sadly. "I shall miss you. Parting is such sweet sorrow."

"Wow. Buford quotes Shakespeare." Phineas paused. "Cool. Uh, Baljeet, where is the other—"

"You're dead meat loser!" Bully Buford barged through the gate, making a beeline for Baljeet.

"Now Ferb!"

Ferb nodded, pulling a lever on the splitter up. The Bufords zinged back together, leaving a slightly confused Buford standing all by himself.

"Alright, what happened? What am I doin standin here?" He looked around, glaring at Baljeet. "You."

"Buford—"

"What Dinnerbell?"

"Buford, you were split in two by the molecular splitter. One part of you was a bully, the other part of you quoted Shakespeare."

Buford looked at Baljeet. "Is this true?"

"Yes. It is true."

"Wow. Two people being split in one day." Phineas looked at the splitter, scratching his head. "How is that even possible? Our inventions usually only last one day."

"Well, they say nothing lasts forever," stated Ferb.

"Yeah." Phineas picked up the splitter. "Well Ferb, I know what else we're gonna do today. We're going to destroy this splitter ourselves."

"Good idea."

Buford watched them walk off before turning to face Baljeet. "So, I quoted Shakespeare huh?"

"Yes. You were very good at it. It was quite sweet actually."

He smirked. "Well don't tell nobody. I got a reputation after all." He entwined his fingers with Baljeet's.

"Do not worry. I will not tell." The pair walked outside to the street. "Um, Buford?"

"Yeah?"

"Now that we are dating, can you not run me up the flagpole anymore? Heh. Or as often? Because…"

"Deal."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Promise?"

"Buford promise."

Baljeet smiled. "Well, alright. As long as you promise. Do you think we should tell Phineas and Ferb?"

Buford stared at him. "No. They would think we're crazy."

Baljeet laughed. "You are right. They would not believe us anyway."

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well Ferb, that appears to be the last of it." Phineas tossed the last piece of the splitter into the trash. "I don't know about you, but taking care of two split personalities was enough for one day."

"Agreed."

"There's still one thing I don't understand though. When Candace was split in two, her two personalities were her urge to bust us and her love of Jeremy. With Buford, it almost seemed like he was obsessed with pounding Baljeet, but also…"

"Being romantic with him."

"Yeah, that."

"Well, they say the human heart is a funny thing."

"Yeah…do you think they're dating?" He smiled, then started laughing. Him and his brother stared at each other, both saying the same thing:

"Nah."


End file.
